Whims published... It's not an expert's opinion, It's not an online diary, It's not a web journal... It is just my whims published

Years passed by.. I could see no improvements in Clive’s condition. One fine day of 1993… is it right to call it a fine day?…I am not sure; I decided to move. I decided to relocate to some distant land leaving all the painful memories behind in England. Yes it indeed was a harsh decision to make because I was about to leave Clive back in England. It was an attempt to start a new life in United States. I did a bit of poetry, a bit of part time work and could manage in US with my earlier savings. Back in England, Clive was moved to a specially created brain trauma unit. He was no longer having violent episodes. The staff of the hospital told me that Clive was not aware that I had gone away. I used to call Clive up few times in a week. He used to recognize my voice. The only phrase he would endlessly repeat during these telephone calls was, “I love you very much… I love you very much…Did u come to visit me this morning…?! I do not remember..” I would feel guilt every time I hear this from Clive on phone. I would end up crying all through the nights.

In the mean time in US some inexplicable situations made me to file a divorce against Clive! Legally it was a smooth procedure. As I got it under the empathy of the law considering the health condition of Clive. But the issue was not this; it made me feel that I was betraying Clive. Still I proceeded to go with it with a heavy heart. If I think about it now, I feel I was crueler on Clive than the fate on him.

I must confess that I made few attempts to build relationship with 1 or 2 men there in US. But it was very foolish to try that, knowing that I would not be able to love any man more than Clive. Clive was still ruling my heart. Then I understood the void in my life without Clive. I was certainly missing the ‘Cliveness’ of Clive. All that I could feel during my stay in US was that Clive still loved me though he could not even remember a single person on earth.

Then a fine day I packed my bag from US and headed back to London. Rushed to the brain trauma unit of the hospital where Clive was still lying on the bed with the same petrified expressions on his face. His eyes lighted up seeing me. He said “did u come this morning to see me… I don’t remember… I love you… I love you…” I wept as if I was apologetic to him for my foolish attempts to live separate in US. I asked him “can we renew our marriage vows this Saturday?” Clive was trying hard to ask me some thing…

We renewed our marriage vows in the church. I managed to get a house nearby to the brain trauma unit. Few weeks later I brought Clive home. Now I enjoy Clive's endless conversational loops everyday. He makes more mistakes while playing piano now. But who cares! when he enjoys playing it and I feel every musical note he plays is superior to Beethoven's!

Source:

Forget me not (August 2006) RD-India

The man who keeps falling in love with his wife

Transcript: In loving memory

The Death of Yesterday

An evening I visited Clive in hospital. Doctor was testing the damage caused by the virus on Clive’s memory. The doctor was prompting Clive to name few things he points to. The doctor showed him a pen and asked Clive to name it. Clive replied “It’s a chicken!!!!” in an authoritative tone. He said the same to an apple, a chair and a capsule too!! Shocked by Clive’s reply I looked perplexedly at the doctor. Doctor said that’s because Clive has only few words left in his memory.. very few words in finger counts. And chicken is one among them. Listening to this, I could not control my tears.

Few days later, Clive was moved to the hospital’s care home. It became the permanent residence for Clive. I had moved all his necessary things including his piano to the care home. Few days later I held a piece of sheet music in front of him. His eyes lighted up looking at that. His expression on face said that he could recognize the music notes. I helped him walk to the piano. He could play piano!! The doctor there explained it as “music is part of Clive’s procedural memory. Its like walking or riding a bicycle”. He only could read music; he was unable to read news papers and books.

Clive’s temperature was back to normal after 7-8 days. The physician had prescribed Clive to rest for few more days. That day I decided to resume my work in orchestra. Same morning I kissed Clive and was walking towards the door to leave for work. Clive called my name in a shaky voice and said “leave your work place number; I’ll call you up if I need anything”. At first I thought Clive was playing a prank with me as he used to call to my office number every day. I replied to him “Why…don’t u remember my number” approaching his couch he was resting on. Clive felt quite uneasy to reply, “No… may be because of the fever..” Then I told him my number. Clive wrote it down on a piece of paper. He stopped writing after marking the number. I could make out Clive was trying hard to remember something. Then he scribbled my name above the number. I was alarmed by the moment he took to write my name above the number. That said everything was not normal with Clive. Otherwise why would his hand stop before writing my name.. I rushed to work with all-Clive in my mind. I could not concentrate on the work. My inner voice was whispering that something terrible is going to happen with our lives. That very feeling shook me. I begged to Lord for the well being of Clive.

I took Clive to a neurosurgeon. There awaited a shock for me. Doctor reported a severe case of amnesia!! Clive had fallen prey for a virus called herpes encephalitis. The virus had damaged major portion of his storage area of brain. Doctor suggested me to admit Clive to the hospital. Doctor even told me that only miracles could save Clive’s memory. Our fairy tailish life had sunken. It was attacked by cruel fate. I still remember that unfortunate day of my life, the day I admitted Clive to hospital. I wept all through that night. I had accepted the hard reality that Clive may not return home as the same old charming and loving husband of mine. We may never get those loving moments of our lives again. It was a great challenge for me to live without Clive.

I used to visit Clive twice/thrice a day. The moment I enter his room, Clive used to smile at me. He was finding it difficult to remember words and talk to me. But I could understand from his eyes that he wants to talk to me for hours. He would have had millions of things to talk to me. But he had started losing his vocabulary gradually. He was losing everything that was stored in his brain for years... neither could he store anything new. During those days, the longest sentence Clive used to utter was "Hey gorgeous, I.... I... love you....". Listening to this all I could do was smile back with tears in my eyes. However deadly could that virus be, but that was not able to erase my husband's emotions for me....

(to be contd...)

I am planning to post this article in 3-4 chunks one after the other. So here goes my novitiate effort…]

Hi, I am Deborah Wearing and this is the story of me and my husband Clive Wearing. It is an unfortunate but still an inspirational, ill fated still triumphant, unbelievable but still a real story.

I was a singer in a famous choir of London in my early twenties. Clive was the charming conductor of that choir. He was a famous, kind hearted successful musician in his forties. Clive Wearing had everything that would attract a smitten like me. Those days I could hear a lot of rumors about his broken relationship with his wife from the colleagues of the orchestra. These rumors hardly bothered me. I just loved his passion for music. I could make out that Clive was giving some extra attention for me during the practice sessions. It made me jump in joy. The music and practice sessions kept bringing us closer to each other. And one fine day me and Clive decided that we should get married. One fine day of Oct 1983 we got married. It was one of the memorable days of my life. The day we decided to commit to each other in all the walks of life…

After the day of marriage, months passed by like minutes.Me and Clive were working together in orchestra. I never used to feel the fatigue after those long hours of practice. I still get goosebumps when I remember those ‘I Love You’ whispers of Clive in my ears. I had started loving everything about Clive. Whether it was those all-page-I love u-chants in my personal diary or those long walks in the evenings, I had started loving every bit of my life. I used to stand next to piano with my elbows rested on piano cover, When Clive used to play his favorite compositions on piano. I remember Clive saying ‘The most important things can not be spoken, that’s why there’s music’.

I had started experiencing the life-too-perfect, Life so romantic, Life so beautiful. I could not even imagine a second without Clive. May be the fate did not like this smooth sailing fairy tailish life. The fate hit our lives badly. It was almost a year and a half since me and Clive had started a new chapter in our lives. Those days Clive’s schedule was very hectic. Too many consignments, too many practice sessions. He was working day and night. It was one such day. Clive returned home late in the night, complaining of a severe headache. I though it should be because of his hectic work schedule. Clive used some tablets for temporary relief and went to bed. The next morning Clive had a high temperature. I insisted Clive to stay at home and take rest. On consulting the physician, Clive was given medicine to bring down his temperature. But the drop in the temperature used to happen till the effect of the medicine lasted. This continued for 2-3 days. Clive used to look really disturbed by his illness. He hardly could speak to me. I some how had a feeling that everything was not normal with this fever. This was for the first time Clive had fallen ill for such a long time in one and a half years of married life.

(to be contd...)