Not so inspiring…

Posted by Anantha | Posted in , , | Posted on Monday, October 22, 2007

Woke up a bit early on SUN morning to get milk home from the nearby shop. Though had a good sleep last night, mind was cluttered with millions of thoughts.. happens some times. Freshened up. But dat dint help much. Walked out of the house carrying kettle in hand. Just a thought occurred to mind to sleep for few more hours after getting milk home. But decided not to waste a rarely earned Sunday morning. On the way back from milk shop, found quite a lot of people chanting in Sai Mandir. I just wondered what motivates these people to wake up so early on a Sun morning, freshen up and come to temple for prayer. Oh ya.. had forgotten, 'today is Vijayadashami'. Cos of the turbulence in house, any festival has lost the significance and the attention any festival deserves. It will be just another day.. and Vijayadashami was no different.

Got back home. Handed over the kettle of milk to amma and rode on my bicycle towards Sanky lake. Cycling is a good stress buster.. a long ride helps when mind is chaotic. Saw a happy couple wid their kid on its mom's lap in a car in one of the traffic signals. Felt nice to see that family.. must be a happy family on a drive enjoying the blabbering of their kid. Reached Sanky lake, parked bicycle and walked into the park. Walked amidst the brisk walking people, making a point dat I make way for people who wanted to overtake me.

From the opposite side an ex-neighbor of mine came jogging towards me. Just wanted to avoid him, but was forced to smile and say 'Hi' to him. After usual 'hows life', 'im fine', 'its been a long time since we met' talks, He said he joined his current company just 4 months back, after passing out fresh from the college. He uttered usual 'traffic is bad', 'distance is the only headache', other project humdrums etc etc. I expressed my solidarity with appropriately timed 'oh ya..', 'ya ur rite..'. Then greeted him 'bye' and walked ahead.

Sought for a stone bench facing the lake. Occupied the bench properly sprawling my limbs, did not wanted to share the bench with any stranger and indulge in unnecessary conversation with dem. I wanted to sit calmly. Then what came to my mind were train of thoughts..

Saw few gals walking, trying to shed those extra grams earned last week over the junk food. I wondered how these females get so much of time in life right from choosing those matching sweat shirts for track trousers to the hair band matching the color of their socks. Rather I admire their patience and the effort involved in dressing up. I admire any person who dresses up well, who has the sense to choose the right colored clothes for themselves. And wear them perfectly for the right occasions.

When I had newly joined as a fresher to my present company, was getting to see some of these senior team mates with loser-looks! With absolutely no dressing sense in those faded T-shirts and worn out jeans. Rarely smiling… with expressions as if the weight of the whole world is on their shoulders. But I feel petrified when I see a similar person as reflection, when I stand in front of the mirror now. Vairagya, what those guys had attained at the age of their early 30s, I seem to have attained it 5-6 yrs early in my life I feel.

Pst.. Pst.. I was getting succumbed to the chaos of mind. I tried to concentrate.. concentrate on what? I donno..

Started looking at the sweeper who was on rounds to clean the whole of park. I wondered what motivates him to get up early in the morning and come to work... to heap aside the litter.

An old couple passed off my bench walking with a pace dat could be called brisk for their age. I think the couple must have spent at least 30-35 yrs of togetherness. It must have been a good journey..

Taking off my eyes from the joggers around, I tried to concentrate.. concentrate on nothing. It was just an effort to bring the chaos in mind to rest and get back to the state of equilibrium.

Suddenly a thought about one of my team mates came to me. He always looks content bearing a pleasing smile all the time. He exudes this feeling all around which gives me complex every time I look into his eyes. I always feel his parents must be healthy. He must be having a loving beautiful wife [she must be good in bed]. But no one is spared with problems in life. May be he is just good in managing himself.. and his emotions well. Wat ever he is certainly better than me. He seems to have good control over the things around him.

Again I tried to concentrate.. concentrate on what.. I donno

Looked to my left. The empty stone bench to my left was now occupied by a 20 some thing guy.. He turned to me.. our eyes met. Oh holy shit! I could not meet his eyes even for a fraction of a second.. I saw a similar doomed expression in his eyes, the expression dat I see in my eyes when I stand in front of the mirror. Then I felt he must also be an unhappy soul.. unhappy for what? I donno..

Brushing all the thoughts aside, I again tried to concentrate... concentrate on nothing.

Few minutes later looked at the wristwatch. It was 10 minutes to 8. Felt its time to leave. Pulled my legs towards the gate. Started riding back home. Saw a guy holding the container of violin in an auto rickshaw. I just felt music indeed must be divine.. He must be feeling close to God when he plays violin. I just gave a thought whether I feel close to God when I sit and code in front of my comp... way..

Way back, had an apple juice in Adiga's. Reached home and started with the day's schedule.....

PS: I feel these mood swings/restlessness/unhappiness or wat ever you wanna call it, is actually good! I just need to channelize this and let it flow towards my goal with a positive approach... May be Ill achieve some thing big.. some thing great in life some day..

Comments (4)


Very very moving post.. you know what??? I could see myself writing the same post.. and if i had written, i'd have many such posts :)

At times like this that i feel as if i need to take a long break.. and go to a place where there is no one who knows me! And one such place for me would be melkote.. I'd be visiting that place shortly (sometime by end of Nov. or Dec 1st half)... wud u be interested in joinin me for a bike ride???

Anyway, here is something interesting:

Take care dude.. and do post.. it is nice to read posts which reflect ur own sentiments! :)

Ya Suksy.. I think every retrospective 20 some thing guy will often get succumbed to these mood swings I feel. U n me just belong to dis category....

I too believe in the same solution as yours.. taking a looooooooooooong break. To get lost in some unknown geography amongst unfamiliar crowd..

Hmm abt Melukote... I seriously doubt maga.. u knw I need to be at home on weekends.. :(

I think You guys missed the cherry on the cake. Its not all who feel the way you guys do. Its mostly the 20 something "IT Professionals " who fall in this category of people. ;) Me in your gang too.

Its felt only by 20 something "IT Professionals"!!!
i seriously doubt.. or may be not.. umm ya...

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