Im sorry... aanu
Posted by Anantha | Posted in Mood swings | Posted on Tuesday, October 30, 2007
FRI our team had been to Eagleton resort for the purpose of team building. I sat through bearing the torture of the day long presentations by our manager, pretending to be attentive and half heartedly participating in team building exercises. I have developed kinda indifference towards these team building activities blah blah.
The resort was good, serene and away from city headaches, had good food. While having lunch there, one of my colleagues mentioned about the tariff for family package per day there in resort. Thought came to my mind about taking amma, aanu along with paNNus family there to the resort some day. I would have done all this if aanu was well. I even had thoughts of taking aanu and amma to all the famous temples in and around Shimoga, Udupi etc etc. We also have many relatives there. But when the trip plan was still in air, all this happened. Now im still optimistic about taking them on
Returned home, got involved in day to day routine. Me and Dinesh* uncle carried aanu to the hall to watch TV. We make aanu sit and watch TV for some hours in the evenings, otherwise it would be boring for him to sleep in the room and stare at the ceiling all day long. While aanu was sitting and watching TV, I went to akka's room to see Adithya. He was as usual making funny faces, pretending to cry, then playing, beating his hands against his own face and bed gently. I took few videos of him catching all his little sweet nothings. paNNu asked was aanu sitting out in hall watching TV? I nodded. She paused for a moment and said "why all this pain for us man..", sighed and continued "this shudnt have happened to aanu". I nodded again. I told her the thought that had came to mind about taking aanu and amma on
I came to my room to upload the videos of Aadithya to my PC from my cell. After uploading I happened to see all old pics in my PC. family get together pics, paNNu's marriage pics etc. In all of those pics aanu was seen, posing for the camera with full enthu. Felt a pinch in the heart seeing it. By the time I did all this, amma had fed dinner to aanu. Me and Dinesh uncle decided to take aanu back to room from hall. This time instead of we two carrying him to the room, we decided to make him walk till room [of course with mine and Dinesh uncle's support]. I donno what was wrong, may be aanu was not in mood to walk or something. He did not respond with his actions when we made him stand from the chair. He just let the paralysis affected left leg kinda hung in air. Neither holding it straight nor putting his body weight on it. Both me and uncle told him to straighten his leg. But he did not respond. I was kinda emotionally stirred after having dat talk with paNNu and seeing aanu's pics n all dat. It took me no moment to lose my temper. I raised my voice and told aanu,
"Come on aanu, u have to make an effort. If you show no interest in pyhsiotherapic exercises like this, You will never be able to walk!!!!!!!". Ohh God, I felt I shudnt have said the last thing. It was kinda very harsh for aanu. Dinesh uncle felt the severity of my words. He said the same to aanu in a gentle way in an effort to nullify my harsh words, "please Bhaavaji co-opearte. Make an effort to walk...". Aanu did not react to my ranting. May be he took the +ve side my anger or may be he would have not expressed his emotions. Then me and Dinesh uncle carried aanu back to the room, as he did not show interest to walk then.
We made aanu lie on his bed. I went to hall to keep aside the chair that we had carried aanu in. I could not bear the weight of the guilt of raising my voice against aanu. Came back to the room and said, "I am really really sorry aanu.... I shudnt have said it... Umm.. i dint mean it". I bent down to reach my lips on his left cheek. Gave a peck on his cheek. I repeated, "I am sorry.." and gave a peck on his right cheek also. I often kiss my parents considering this act as, as important as falling on their feet for seeking blessings. Its just a nice affectionate thing to do. But I had never kissed aanu seeking apology from him like this before.
aanu just smiled. He is always like that. There were many instances of interpreting his smile to be 'we are excused' by both me and paNNu in past. I did the same this time also.
I felt light after that moment.
Ya I was rude.. was harsh.. shudnt have said that thing to aanu. Understood its always easy to lose patience in such moments.. it needs courage to say sorry.. It feels as if the tonnes of guilt had been disembarked from heart after saying sorry....
*Dinesh uncle is my amma's bro. He has been staying with us and looking after aanu when Im not in house from the day aanu has fallen ill. He is an angel.. These kinda persons around make me feel God indeed exist. I will fall short of words to tell more about him
Maccha,
These small things are those that make "living" worth every moment of it and these are the things which point out the significance of a family.
I've had many a scuffle with my parents and I would be more or less doing the same kind of patchwork with them.. But when I am alone and in a contemplating mood, I feel that those are the moments which made me a "part of the family".
Chill dude.. I am sure aanu would not have minded and he would have taken it positively and have been much more proud coz of his son being "capable" in his eyes to take care of the entire family.
Hope your dad comes back to the pink of his health and you can take him along with you to show many temples as per your wishes and to their happiness.
All the best dude.. And I feel that this is already a new blogpost in your blog in the form of a comment! :)
u got the gist of it maga.. "These small things are those that make "living" worth every moment of it and these are the things which point out the significance of a family."
I agree 1000% wid dis statement of urs................
Very well written anantha,
I can understand the moment which made you say those things to aanu. I have gone through the same many times.
The worst part of it all is that I have got a brother. The very fact that he is younger to me makes me take him for granted sometimes. I try to exert complete control over him, i have even beat him on many ocassions. But when I sit alone and think after that moment of anger is gone, I feel how rudely I behaved with him. It makes me wonder who is the younger among us - he or i.
I think aanu has definitely forgiven you. In fact, I feel he is really proud to have a son like you who is so concerned about him and just wants him to be happy. That too in the present age, where people seldom give a thought about anything other than themselves, thier money and their desires, looking after their aged parents becomes last thing in their mind. So the smile which you saw on aanu's face was just an indication of that pride :-)
I wish he recovers fast and you take them to all those beautiful temples which they wanted to go to
[To Shashi]: Thx for the encouraging comment re deva...