Whims published... It's not an expert's opinion, It's not an online diary, It's not a web journal... It is just my whims published

FRI our team had been to Eagleton resort for the purpose of team building. I sat through bearing the torture of the day long presentations by our manager, pretending to be attentive and half heartedly participating in team building exercises. I have developed kinda indifference towards these team building activities blah blah.

The resort was good, serene and away from city headaches, had good food. While having lunch there, one of my colleagues mentioned about the tariff for family package per day there in resort. Thought came to my mind about taking amma, aanu along with paNNus family there to the resort some day. I would have done all this if aanu was well. I even had thoughts of taking aanu and amma to all the famous temples in and around Shimoga, Udupi etc etc. We also have many relatives there. But when the trip plan was still in air, all this happened. Now im still optimistic about taking them on temple darshans once aanu gets well.

Returned home, got involved in day to day routine. Me and Dinesh* uncle carried aanu to the hall to watch TV. We make aanu sit and watch TV for some hours in the evenings, otherwise it would be boring for him to sleep in the room and stare at the ceiling all day long. While aanu was sitting and watching TV, I went to akka's room to see Adithya. He was as usual making funny faces, pretending to cry, then playing, beating his hands against his own face and bed gently. I took few videos of him catching all his little sweet nothings. paNNu asked was aanu sitting out in hall watching TV? I nodded. She paused for a moment and said "why all this pain for us man..", sighed and continued "this shudnt have happened to aanu". I nodded again. I told her the thought that had came to mind about taking aanu and amma on temple darshans. As she also knew about my plan dat was in air and which was blown away by wind of fate, she said "yes man. Its not the age to suffer.. in this age, taking amma and aanu for such trips would have been ideal....". She paused indefinitely.

I came to my room to upload the videos of Aadithya to my PC from my cell. After uploading I happened to see all old pics in my PC. family get together pics, paNNu's marriage pics etc. In all of those pics aanu was seen, posing for the camera with full enthu. Felt a pinch in the heart seeing it. By the time I did all this, amma had fed dinner to aanu. Me and Dinesh uncle decided to take aanu back to room from hall. This time instead of we two carrying him to the room, we decided to make him walk till room [of course with mine and Dinesh uncle's support]. I donno what was wrong, may be aanu was not in mood to walk or something. He did not respond with his actions when we made him stand from the chair. He just let the paralysis affected left leg kinda hung in air. Neither holding it straight nor putting his body weight on it. Both me and uncle told him to straighten his leg. But he did not respond. I was kinda emotionally stirred after having dat talk with paNNu and seeing aanu's pics n all dat. It took me no moment to lose my temper. I raised my voice and told aanu,

"Come on aanu, u have to make an effort. If you show no interest in pyhsiotherapic exercises like this, You will never be able to walk!!!!!!!". Ohh God, I felt I shudnt have said the last thing. It was kinda very harsh for aanu. Dinesh uncle felt the severity of my words. He said the same to aanu in a gentle way in an effort to nullify my harsh words, "please Bhaavaji co-opearte. Make an effort to walk...". Aanu did not react to my ranting. May be he took the +ve side my anger or may be he would have not expressed his emotions. Then me and Dinesh uncle carried aanu back to the room, as he did not show interest to walk then.

We made aanu lie on his bed. I went to hall to keep aside the chair that we had carried aanu in. I could not bear the weight of the guilt of raising my voice against aanu. Came back to the room and said, "I am really really sorry aanu.... I shudnt have said it... Umm.. i dint mean it". I bent down to reach my lips on his left cheek. Gave a peck on his cheek. I repeated, "I am sorry.." and gave a peck on his right cheek also. I often kiss my parents considering this act as, as important as falling on their feet for seeking blessings. Its just a nice affectionate thing to do. But I had never kissed aanu seeking apology from him like this before.

aanu just smiled. He is always like that. There were many instances of interpreting his smile to be 'we are excused' by both me and paNNu in past. I did the same this time also.

I felt light after that moment.

Ya I was rude.. was harsh.. shudnt have said that thing to aanu. Understood its always easy to lose patience in such moments.. it needs courage to say sorry.. It feels as if the tonnes of guilt had been disembarked from heart after saying sorry....

*Dinesh uncle is my amma's bro. He has been staying with us and looking after aanu when Im not in house from the day aanu has fallen ill. He is an angel.. These kinda persons around make me feel God indeed exist. I will fall short of words to tell more about him

Woke up a bit early on SUN morning to get milk home from the nearby shop. Though had a good sleep last night, mind was cluttered with millions of thoughts.. happens some times. Freshened up. But dat dint help much. Walked out of the house carrying kettle in hand. Just a thought occurred to mind to sleep for few more hours after getting milk home. But decided not to waste a rarely earned Sunday morning. On the way back from milk shop, found quite a lot of people chanting in Sai Mandir. I just wondered what motivates these people to wake up so early on a Sun morning, freshen up and come to temple for prayer. Oh ya.. had forgotten, 'today is Vijayadashami'. Cos of the turbulence in house, any festival has lost the significance and the attention any festival deserves. It will be just another day.. and Vijayadashami was no different.

Got back home. Handed over the kettle of milk to amma and rode on my bicycle towards Sanky lake. Cycling is a good stress buster.. a long ride helps when mind is chaotic. Saw a happy couple wid their kid on its mom's lap in a car in one of the traffic signals. Felt nice to see that family.. must be a happy family on a drive enjoying the blabbering of their kid. Reached Sanky lake, parked bicycle and walked into the park. Walked amidst the brisk walking people, making a point dat I make way for people who wanted to overtake me.

From the opposite side an ex-neighbor of mine came jogging towards me. Just wanted to avoid him, but was forced to smile and say 'Hi' to him. After usual 'hows life', 'im fine', 'its been a long time since we met' talks, He said he joined his current company just 4 months back, after passing out fresh from the college. He uttered usual 'traffic is bad', 'distance is the only headache', other project humdrums etc etc. I expressed my solidarity with appropriately timed 'oh ya..', 'ya ur rite..'. Then greeted him 'bye' and walked ahead.

Sought for a stone bench facing the lake. Occupied the bench properly sprawling my limbs, did not wanted to share the bench with any stranger and indulge in unnecessary conversation with dem. I wanted to sit calmly. Then what came to my mind were train of thoughts..

Saw few gals walking, trying to shed those extra grams earned last week over the junk food. I wondered how these females get so much of time in life right from choosing those matching sweat shirts for track trousers to the hair band matching the color of their socks. Rather I admire their patience and the effort involved in dressing up. I admire any person who dresses up well, who has the sense to choose the right colored clothes for themselves. And wear them perfectly for the right occasions.

When I had newly joined as a fresher to my present company, was getting to see some of these senior team mates with loser-looks! With absolutely no dressing sense in those faded T-shirts and worn out jeans. Rarely smiling… with expressions as if the weight of the whole world is on their shoulders. But I feel petrified when I see a similar person as reflection, when I stand in front of the mirror now. Vairagya, what those guys had attained at the age of their early 30s, I seem to have attained it 5-6 yrs early in my life I feel.

Pst.. Pst.. I was getting succumbed to the chaos of mind. I tried to concentrate.. concentrate on what? I donno..

Started looking at the sweeper who was on rounds to clean the whole of park. I wondered what motivates him to get up early in the morning and come to work... to heap aside the litter.

An old couple passed off my bench walking with a pace dat could be called brisk for their age. I think the couple must have spent at least 30-35 yrs of togetherness. It must have been a good journey..

Taking off my eyes from the joggers around, I tried to concentrate.. concentrate on nothing. It was just an effort to bring the chaos in mind to rest and get back to the state of equilibrium.

Suddenly a thought about one of my team mates came to me. He always looks content bearing a pleasing smile all the time. He exudes this feeling all around which gives me complex every time I look into his eyes. I always feel his parents must be healthy. He must be having a loving beautiful wife [she must be good in bed]. But no one is spared with problems in life. May be he is just good in managing himself.. and his emotions well. Wat ever he is certainly better than me. He seems to have good control over the things around him.

Again I tried to concentrate.. concentrate on what.. I donno

Looked to my left. The empty stone bench to my left was now occupied by a 20 some thing guy.. He turned to me.. our eyes met. Oh holy shit! I could not meet his eyes even for a fraction of a second.. I saw a similar doomed expression in his eyes, the expression dat I see in my eyes when I stand in front of the mirror. Then I felt he must also be an unhappy soul.. unhappy for what? I donno..

Brushing all the thoughts aside, I again tried to concentrate... concentrate on nothing.

Few minutes later looked at the wristwatch. It was 10 minutes to 8. Felt its time to leave. Pulled my legs towards the gate. Started riding back home. Saw a guy holding the container of violin in an auto rickshaw. I just felt music indeed must be divine.. He must be feeling close to God when he plays violin. I just gave a thought whether I feel close to God when I sit and code in front of my comp... nyaaaa....no way..

Way back, had an apple juice in Adiga's. Reached home and started with the day's schedule.....